Why are there no films I want to watch?

It’s a hard row to hoe without wine, my friends! After a beautiful spring-like weekend – during the days of which I actually did not wear a jumper for the first time since, I think, last May, today is rather gloomy.

Juno grows slowly. You may have guessed by now that acres of rib – whether 2 x 2 or 1x1 - is not my favourite knitting diversion. But last night I reached the armpits at the back, and discovered that I may have unintentionally got gauge – a pity, as I was trying to get greater than gauge – larger needles, larger size.

I am not a tight knitter, nor am I particularly loose – but I was hoping for a bit more coverage – we shall see. Tonight it’s armholes ahoy as we reach for the neckline. I must say, I adore the way it looks – if it’s too tight when I finish I will be forced to lose 10 kilos, just to make sure I wear it!

As a defence mechanism against 2 noisy, housebound children, I buried myself in my collection of Interweave Knits (all 5 of them) and decided on my next 6 projects. I find that looking through knitting publications with my fingers in my ears whilst humming tunelessly allows me to ignore the sounds of mayhem and carnage which swirl around me. I can be deaf to all but the loudest screams and still hear the cry of a really hurt child – or a desperate request for assistance in getting to the toilet – with very little effort on my part.

Part of the reason Juno grew so well last night was the excellent movie we watched – ‘The World’s Fastest Indian’. I was a bit concerned it would be rather Boy’s Own, or Action oriented, but it was great. Wry, gentle humour with laugh out loud moments and Anthony Hopkins playing a charming old NZ codger. It was a great and I heartily recommend it for plain knitting.

I adore foreign films. My only problem is that subtitles force me to watch the screen all the time, so I can only make major progress on the plainest knitting. Most American/Hollywood films allow all sorts of knitting – not only is the dialogue generally loud, the plots are currently both banal and predictable and the so-called comedy films never make me laugh enough to lose row and stitch markers, or pattern sheets onto the floor.

It may seem odd to say it, but I think recent movies are really catering to a lower common denominator than I actually thought existed. I’m not even sure who these movies are aimed at. The comedy is not particularly funny, the action seems to consist entirely of CGI special effects, the characters are annoying and unsympathetic – to say nothing of being so two dimensional that I’ve seen Birthday cards with more rounded characters.

Plots are predictable, writing is drab or expletive laden (and don’t think I’m a prude, because my range of cursing has been known to make Marines blush – now, there’s an idea for a colourway – Blushing Marine, - red, Khaki, olive, sand and brown). Overall, they’re just dull, dull, dull. And unmemorable. I’ve often been caught being completely unable to remember whether or not I’ve actually seen a particular movie, until it starts. And sometimes not even then.

I don’t get to the movies much – 2 small children make that a venture I’m not brave enough for – and quite frankly, most recent movies I couldn’t be bothered to pay good money for. Even bad money.

What’s going on with Hollywood? The rest of the world is making great movies – think France, Spain and sometimes England (providing they don’t have to cater to too many ‘Stars’). Think of some of the really interesting stuff coming out of Japan, China, Korea and Hong Kong (can’t resist a good chop-socky – or anything with Jackie Chan – who does his own stunts instead of relying on CGI). I’m only likely to bestir myself otherwise for something from Pixar.

The rest of the world makes great movies and Hollywood does lame remakes. Or remakes fairly lame TV series. Or tries to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one with half a brain.

There are so many wonderful books in the world. So many great stories, so many wonderful actors and directors and writers. So how come there are no movies I want to watch?

The importance of being swatched

Gauge is important. Correct tension is critical to knitting success. You should knit a swatch, measure it, adjust needle size and wash and block your swatch. You should do these things, and most of the time, I don’t.

Those of you who have been following my knitting adventures for the past month (yes – today is indeed my 1 month blogiversary) may have gathered that I am not exactly a hotshot in the swatching department. I take liberties with patterns and I only swatch when I knit for other people, and on the very rare occasions I make something fitted.

I don’t swatch because I am lazy, but mainly because instant gratification takes much too long – when I finish a project, I want to have a new project up and on the needles ASAP – and swatching takes too damn long.

I have had a couple of knitting disasters, but my standard no maths method of pattern adaptation (eg knit on a size or so larger needles because patterns don’t usually come in a proper 16/18) generally works OK. It works because natural fibres – especially wool - are forgiving. It also works because I am willing to take any disasters on the chin and frog when necessary.

In fact, some years ago, what should have been a non-swatching disaster turned into my very favourite jumper. I had made a red mohair jumper which I loathed when it was finished. So I frogged it (yes – frogged mohair) and had a play with a design and started knitting – on much bigger needles. At that time I had just lost a jumper I adored because I broke up with the man who owned it, so I was trying to recreate that size and style (I was slim, young and likely to wear only this jumper in the mornings). I started knitting and realised I was going to run out of wool – so I bought more mohair, different type and slightly different shade. I striped the front and the sleeves. I knitted a very loose funnel collar. The neck is so wide it always slips off one shoulder. It comes down to my knees. I roll up the sleeves by around 30 – 40 cms. Even now, it is almost possible to get someone else in there with me. It ought to be a disaster, horrible, unflattering, awful.

But it’s not. I adore it – I love wearing it. Every time I wear it, people offer to buy it or ask me to knit them one. Whenever I wear it I feel sexy and snuggly and warm and gorgeous. I love wearing it over black pants, black boots and a black skivvy. It is a dream of scarlet fuzziness and I have only just managed to hold on to it to protect it from acquisitive friends and boyfriends over the years.

So, maybe one day, it will happen again. I use the right needle size for socks. I swatch if I knit for others. I almost always substitute yarn and knit on larger needles. I generally knit clothes I love and love wearing. I wait for the wrath of the Knitting Goddess to descend on me. I will humbly accept the penance she is no doubt planning to give me after she wreaks her vengeance upon me. I willingly frog and tink disasters.

I accept all this – and one day I may create another perfect jumper, because I didn’t swatch.